Recovering From Church Hurt: 6 Steps Toward Healing
Not long ago, I received a message from a friend who was dealing with deep church hurt. She told me that after being hurt so deeply, she was never going back to church.
As we talked about the issue that had caused division, we recognized that all people are broken.
When we’re hurt by the church or other Christians, it’s vital to remind ourselves that no one is perfect. We’re all on journeys toward maturity, and hurting people hurt other people. In some ways, we are all hurting, and this truth can help us extend grace to others when they let us down or hurt us.
Recovering From Church Hurt
Dear friend, if you have been hurt within the church or another Christian community, I’m so sorry.
God might lead you to find a healthier community elsewhere or lead you to stay right where you are and reconcile with those who have hurt you. Let’s talk about how to seek God’s will and honor him in these situations.
6 Steps Toward Healing Church Hurt
Here are some steps that can help you find healing when you’ve been hurt by the church or Christian community:
1. When you are dealing with church hurt, begin by praying.
Talk to God. Ask him to show you what you need to know about the person or people who hurt you.
Ask him to give you his perspective and reveal his heart regarding the people who hurt you.
Often, this simple step can change the entire scenario. When God shows us his love and compassion for the people around us, we are able to move forward in alignment with him.
I like to pray, “Father, show me how much you love the person (or people) who hurt me.”
I then imagine placing the person in front of God’s throne in heaven as he pours his love upon the person. This simple prayer often transforms my heart, fills me with mercy, and enables me to discern God’s will in the situation.
Sometimes, God leads me to set boundaries with the person who hurt me. I am able to love and forgive the person, but this doesn’t mean that we are going to have a thriving, trusting relationship.
Other times, God leads me to seek reconciliation.
Almost always, he leads me to the insight in our next point:
2. Seek wise counsel.
Seek wise counsel from someone who has been walking with God longer than you.
Glean from this person’s insight as you discern your next step. What does this person think you should do?
Spend enough years in the Christian community, and you will most likely get hurt. This is because we all hurt others at times. Seek counsel from someone who has walked in your shoes, and you can find valuable insights to help you heal.
3. Go to the source.
One of the best pieces of advice my father ever gave to me was this: Go to the source.
When someone offends or hurts you, pray about it, seek wise counsel from one or two wise people, and then go directly to the person who hurt you.
Resist the urge to tell every friend about your scenario or seek sympathy on social media. Instead, go directly to the source.
Ask God to fill you with love, and confront the person in love. It might be a good idea to take the wise person who advised you along with you in case a mediator is needed.
Of course, there are times when God might lead you to forgive someone without directly approaching them. This might be the case if you have repeatedly been wounded and the person does not repent or in situations involving abuse. It might also be the case with someone who refuses to admit to wrongdoing.
4. When processing church hurt, extend forgiveness.
Forgiveness is letting another person off the hook, even if the person never apologizes.
Healing your heart will require forgiveness. Forgive the other person (or people) by deciding that you are no longer ruminating over the issue or holding the offense against them.
This is vital in moving forward.
Remember, forgiveness is not something that we feel. It is a simple action of saying, “I choose to forgive this person.” You probably won’t feel like forgiving the person. You will most likely need to forgive this person dozens, even hundreds, of times.
Every time the person comes to mind, forgive the offense again.
Forgiveness doesn’t mean you have to trust the person again. It simply releases you from bitterness.
5. Bless the person or people who hurt you.
When we bless others, we wish God’s best for them. As you continue to forgive the person who hurt you again and again, ask God to bless this person.
Ask him to pour out his love and goodness upon the person.
Pray this way for long enough, and you will soon find that your heart begins to heal.
6. Don’t give up on the Christian community.
Above all else, I pray you won’t give up on God’s community. Your healing will take place within the context of his people, not wandering alone.
I spent a few years doing life on my own, without a Christian community surrounding me.
These years marked some of the more difficult years of my young adult life.
We all need people in our lives who will watch our backs and uphold us in tough times.
Christian community is made up of God’s people, and on this side of heaven, we are all broken people. There is no perfect community. When we rub elbows with other people, we will get hurt at times. But we need these people to surround us and speak truth into our lives.
The Value of the Christian Community
A caring community holds the power to gently tell us when we’ve gone off track, lost sight of our values, or broken at the seams. Our blindness to our own brokenness can hurt us. It can lead us and lead others off track.
For years, I thought that the biblical concept of iron sharpening iron looked like sitting over steaming mugs and studying deep theological truths. I thought it looked like ethereal worship nights with guitars and candles.
I’m now learning that iron sharpening iron often looks like learning to navigate relational roadblocks.
It looks like hard and tearful conversations.
It looks like the vulnerable kind of conflict that makes some of us flinch.
This sharpening includes learning to forgive. It leads us to make the hard decision to continue to do life together, even after we have been hurt.
Spiritual formation takes place within the Christian community. We become conformed to the image of Christ through community. The most difficult aspects of living in community most powerfully transform us to look more like Jesus.
We become conformed to the image of Christ through community, and it is often the most difficult aspects of living in community that most powerfully transform us to look more like Jesus. Share on X
A Free Devotional to Help You Heal From Church Hurt
Are you ready for a fresh breath of hope to help you through a difficult season? My gift to you is my free online devotional Rays of Light for the Dark Days. This devotional offers inspiration and practical encouragement to help you through life’s trials. It is yours right here. 
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God wants to work in your life to accomplish what you’ve been unable to do through willpower alone. Lean Into Grace: Let God’s Grace Heal Your Heart, Refresh Your Soul, and Set You Free shares practical ways to experience God’s freedom, healing, power, and presence in your life. Find this life-changing book as a free eBook on Kindle Unlimited or for 12.99 in print right here. (If you do not have Kindle Unlimited, you can try it out with a free three-month trial!) This book will transform your life and revitalize your relationship with the Lord!
Calling all moms and daughters!
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