How to Communicate Better With Your Tween Daughter
I’m excited to share a guest post with you today! A few weeks ago, I shared a photo of Bekah holding our new mother-daughter shared journal. I invited Stacey and Lexi Shannon, the mother and daughter coauthors of the journal, to share a post with you today, and I love what they came up with! Enjoy!
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How to Communicate Better With Your Tween Daughter
Ideas to Grow Your Mother-Daughter Relationship
The tween years can be tumultuous. As our daughters are growing into young women, they are also figuring out their place in the world. They’re changing in many ways, which means we have to change the way we connect with them. Figuring out how to best communicate with your daughter requires patience and intentional practices.
As my daughter, Lexi, continues to grow and change, she and I are working to keep our communication flowing. We don’t always get it right, and we certainly still have years ahead of us still since she is only 12. But we have learned a few things in our journey about how to better communicate with each other.
Ideas for ways to talk with each other
Lexi (the tween): Talking to your tween can go so many different ways depending on your tween’s personality. Therefore, the first step is to figure out exactly what that is. Starting off, decide if your tween is the open, talk-about-it type or the type that will NOT talk about it.
If he or she is the open type, then just ask your questions head-on. (EX: Do you think the new kid is cute?) If that doesn’t go well, try a more indirect approach. (EX: Who is the new kid?)
Using a trade-off or shared journal also works well. You each write answers to questions without the other and then share them. My mom and I like doing this because we can communicate through writing when we have time to think about our responses.
Stacey (the mom): Finding time to talk to your daughter when she’s feeling chatty is important. There are certain times of day Lexi feels more like opening up about what’s going on in her life. Right now, the best time for us to talk is in the evening before bedtime. While I’m an early bird, I understand that my night owl kiddo wants to talk in the evening, so I make that a priority as much as possible.
Another way Lexi and I have connected as mom and daughter is through the shared journal she mentioned. I can more easily write about my feelings than talk about them, so it’s a natural fit for me. Lexi has inherited my love of writing and reading so it works well for us. We talk about random things and deep things in the journal with prompts.
We’ve enjoyed the shared journal so much that the two of us created one together. “Connecting with Grace” is a blend of serious and silly writing prompts for moms and daughters. We included faith as well, since that’s a big part of our life and something we didn’t find in other similar journals. Each prompt has a related Bible verse or inspirational quote to go along with it.
Mother and daughter journals can be a great way to connect without having to sit and talk face-to-face. It gives you a chance to think about your words before you write them. You can be more contemplative and honest. Though Lexi and I both enjoy writing, the benefit of a mother and daughter shared journal is that the writing prompts make sure we have something to talk about each time we write so we don’t get repetitive or somehow run out of things to say.
How moms can connect with their daughters
Lexi: Try to take time out of your day to make her feel special (especially if she has siblings). Take her out to get ice cream or watch an episode of her favorite show with her. Even if it is as simple as making or ordering our favorite food, it does make us feel better. Also, we love compliments.
We put 10 “Face-to-Face with Grace” ideas in our mother and daughter journal because spending time together in person is so important.
Stacey: Having quality one-on-one time together is often the best way for connecting with and talking to your tween. We are intentional about having one-on-one (or two-on-one when we include my husband) time throughout the week to check in with Lexi. Reading relevant nonfiction books together has been a great way to connect and talk. American Girl (yep, the doll maker!) has a terrific selection of “A Smart Girl’s Guide” to everything from cooking to puberty to room organization to boys to clothes to friend drama. We’ve read through a few together and had some great conversations as a result.
We also take advantage of more common one-on-one times to talk, like when we are in the car just the two of us. Or sometimes we go on mom and daughter dates. They aren’t anything fancy and can even be just getting an ice cream together. But it’s having fun together and chatting as we go. Communicating better with your tween daughter doesn’t have to be all serious discussions all the time. Have fun together!
Why talking to your daughter is important
Lexi: Parents and tweens do need to stay connected. Whether you know it or not, this is the phase of life your tweens are deciding to keep you or not. It is possible we decide you are annoying and don’t engage with you any more than necessary for the next five years. Maybe instead we decide you are awesome and hang out often. It all depends. Staying reasonably connected can make us keep you.
Stacey: When I think back to my own tweenager days, what I wanted most was to feel heard and understood. My parents weren’t perfect (and neither am I!), but they were there for me in so many ways that our relationship stayed intact.
As a mom, I do my best to make sure my kiddos feel heard and understood. It isn’t always so easy. I want them to be able to come to their dad and me with everything they have going on. I want to be their support system as they grow and change. And none of that happens without talking and connecting on a regular basis.
How to make a better connection
Lexi: Parents can do things they don’t even realize kinda break it for us. First of all, don’t push something. If you think something is wrong, then you can ask if we are OK. But if we don’t tell you anything is wrong despite your efforts, then please realize we either honestly don’t want or need to talk about it or nothing really is wrong! If you have done well as a parent, then we will be open with you when we want or need to be, OK?
Also, when picking something that has to do with us, ask us what we want. You want to take me somewhere to celebrate my half birthday? Yay! You took me to McDonald’s, the one place I didn’t want to go? Boo! Point is, just ask what I want instead of trying to guess, because it is very possible you will get it wrong.
Stacey: Making a connection with your tween is about more than talking to your tween. It’s also about really listening and taking an interest in them. And it’s about knowing when to back off. For me, backing off can be the most difficult, because if my kiddos are upset, I want to know what’s going on and try to help! However, I also know that for me personally someone being too pushy with me is going to result in me being even quieter. So, I do my best to give space to my kiddos when they need it.
Aside from talking, doing special things for our kids is important and helps them feel valued, but we need to do the things they enjoy. For tweens, we also have to realize that what they enjoy may not be the same as it was two years ago (or even two months ago!). My husband and I started a policy early on in our marriage that asking isn’t a bad thing. Neither of us are mind-readers, so sometimes we just have to ask what the other needs or wants to do. The same is true with our kids. Just asking what they’d like to do for a special moment together can make all the difference on whether it’s successful.
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Thanks so much for sharing, Lexi and Stacey! I had a blast reading your words and gleaned some tips I’m sure Bekah will appreciate!
And now, if this resonated with you as a reader, you can find “Connecting with Grace” on Amazon at this link or via the Families with Grace product page at https://familieswithgrace.com/products. Be blessed!
