How to Have Compassion for Yourself
Do you want to know how to have compassion for yourself in trying times? I invite you to join me as I deal with my troubling emotions and we’ll talk about self-compassion and how to practice it.
How to Have Compassion for Yourself
Tufts of fog hover beneath an apricot sky as storm clouds roll eastward on the wings of dusk. I sit by the window and focus on breathing slowly. As my lungs expand and contract, my body relaxes. “Be kind to yourself,” I whisper for the thousandth time.
I’ve spent most of my life being ridiculously hard on myself.
When I was younger, I built my life around mantras like, “No pain, no gain.” I told myself, “When the pain comes, push harder.”
These phrases were helpful for my teenage athletic endeavors, but they haven’t served me well throughout my adult life. There are certainly times to push through pain. Our muscles—physical, emotional, spiritual, and mental—grow through pain. However, there is also a time to be kind to ourselves.
Perhaps you want to learn to have compassion for yourself, too. You are in the right place.
What Is Self-Compassion?
Self-compassion isn’t an excuse to overindulge or to excuse ourselves for sin. Instead, it’s more of a reminder to treat ourselves the way we would treat our most precious loved ones.
We extend self-compassion when we give ourselves grace in stressful times. Instead of getting worked up over why we’re not coping better, we are kind to our bodies, and we offer care and space.
For example, I deal with anxiety from time to time. For me, the most obvious symptoms are chest pains, involuntary muscle spasms, a racing heart, and an overwhelming sense of being out of control.
I spent years beating myself up for the muscle spasms and chest pains.
I wanted nothing more than to feel “normal” again, and I often felt like my body was betraying me.
When my chest felt tight, my inner dialogue went something like this: “This is ridiculous. Take a deep breath and move on! Loosen up! Get it together!”
Instead of being kind to my body, I embraced frustrated feelings toward my body.
Sadly, the more I focused on forcing myself to feel “normal,” the more stressed out I started to feel. In short, I was stressed about the stress.
Finally, I realized it was time to stop stressing about the stress. It was time to be kind to my central nervous system and extend grace to my body. Here’s what this looks like for me:
How to Have Compassion for Yourself
We extend self-compassion when we recognize our bodies responding to external and internal stressors as they were designed to respond. We don’t need to be angry with ourselves for our physiological reactions to our emotions.
Stressing about stress is never helpful.
Worrying about physical symptoms related to anxiety, fear, shame, or other negative emotions will not lead us toward peace.
Shaming ourselves for feeling sad will not help us heal.
Instead, we recognize our physical responses to negative emotions and create space to draw near to God. We give ourselves the grace to experiment until we find coping mechanisms that work to alleviate our stress.
We are kind to ourselves when we don’t expect perfection immediately; instead, we give our bodies time to adjust to new circumstances.
Have you recently endured a transition in life?
Maybe you started a new job, moved to a new city, had a baby, got married, graduated from college, or retired. Your transition might have been joyful—an answer to prayer. Perhaps you’re annoyed with yourself for feeling overwhelmed because this was a positive change.
On the other hand, you might be dealing with a negative transition in your life. Maybe you lost a loved one, said goodbye to a home you loved, lost your job, or started at a new school. You feel overwhelmed. Perhaps you want nothing more than to settle down and feel like yourself again.
Regardless of whether you’re overwhelmed by a positive change or a negative change, being kind to yourself is an important part of moving forward.
Instead of shaming yourself or feeling angry about the way your body is responding, recognize that your emotions are God-given. Ask God to help you work through your emotions in a loving and compassionate way. Here are three steps to help you.
How to Have Compassion for Yourself Amid Overwhelming Emotions:
1. Begin by naming your emotion.
Psychologists offer a distinction between feelings and emotions, but for the sake of our time together today, we’ll use these terms interchangeably.
Research suggests that naming our emotions calms the limbic system. When you feel your body responding to an emotion, do your best to step back and name the emotion you are experiencing. Notice the way your body is reacting, but try not to get frustrated if the physiological response seems more dramatic than you desire. Instead, try approaching your emotion with curiosity and compassion as you dig deeper. This leads us to our second step.
2. Ask questions.
As you approach your emotion with curiosity and compassion, ask yourself the following questions:
What’s beneath this emotion? Is this emotion masking a deeper emotion? (For example, anger often masks fear.)
What is causing me to feel this way?
Is there a deeper root here? Does my reaction connect to some part of my past or a wound that God wants to heal?
Am I believing any lies regarding the situation that is eliciting this emotion?
What roles do self-defensiveness, ego, and pride play in this circumstance?
Finally, after digging deeper with these questions in the presence of the Lord, draw near to him . . .
3. Draw near to God.
Ask God what you need to know about your emotional response. He knows, and he is willing to show you.
Is he asking you to cast out a lie and stand on the truth of his Word? Do you need to forgive someone, surrender your desire for control, or trust him amid uncertainty? Is he using a trial to refine you as he molds you to look more like Jesus? Do you need to cast a care onto him?
Sometimes, God keeps us in the furnace of affliction because he is working to remove the impurities from our hearts. If this is the case, he might be testing your emotions and using this trial to shape your character. You can trust him. You don’t have to be angry with yourself for feeling whatever emotions you happen to be feeling.
We grow in trust by walking through situations in which trusting God is difficult.
We grow in trust by walking through situations in which trusting God is difficult. #TrustingGod #Faith #Trust #Hope Click To TweetIn the same way, most of the virtues we seek are borne out of adversity. God leads us into situations where we are tested, and our bodies don’t often embrace the testing.
In these situations, being kind to ourselves will help us endure as we draw near to God and let his refining fire do its work.
Our family endured the season of transition we faced months ago. Our limbic systems have calmed and quieted for now. However, as we prepare for whatever new season might await us around the next bend, we carry with us the gentle reminder to be kind to ourselves.
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